The first message is the hardest part of online dating. You're staring at someone's profile, trying to think of something good, and all that comes out is "hey." Here's the thing: "hey" almost never works. But a good opener doesn't have to be complicated — it just has to show you've actually read their profile and can string a sentence together.
Why Most First Messages Flop
On Kommons, as on any dating site, the people getting the most messages are the ones getting the most bad messages. "Hi," "hey," "how r u," and a single emoji are all going to get buried. You don't need to be Shakespeare, but you do need to stand out from the noise.
The biggest mistake is being too generic. "Hey, how's your day?" could be sent to anyone. It shows zero effort and gives the other person nothing to work with. The opposite problem is going in too hard — a wall of text or jumping straight to the heavy sexual stuff before you've even said hello is overwhelming. Read the room. And whatever you do, don't copy-paste. People can tell when they're getting a template. It's insulting and a bit weird.
The Formula That Actually Works
A good first message has three parts. First, reference something in their profile — it proves you're not spam and you've actually looked. Second, ask a question or give them a hook that's easy to respond to. Third, keep it short. Two or three sentences is plenty.
Examples
"Saw you're into bouldering — where do you climb? Been looking for a new wall in Manchester."
"Your dog is brilliant. What breed? Been thinking about getting one but can't decide."
"You mentioned you're new to Edinburgh — what brought you up? Moved here a couple of years ago for work."
Notice what these have in common: they're specific, they're easy to answer, and they don't put pressure on the other person. They open a conversation, not an interrogation.
What to Avoid
Compliments on looks alone are nice but useless — "You're gorgeous" gives them nothing to say back. Going straight in with the sexual stuff is a gamble unless their profile makes it very clear that's what they're after. One-word messages like "Hey" put the burden of starting the conversation on them, which is lazy. And asking for their number straight away is a mistake — chat on Kommons first. It's safer and more natural.
Timing Matters
Messages sent in the evening — between 7pm and 10pm — tend to get more replies. People are relaxed, scrolling their phones, and more likely to engage. Sunday evenings are particularly good in the UK; people are home, winding down, and open to a distraction.
What If They Don't Reply?
Don't take it personally. People get busy, messages get buried, and sometimes there's just no interest. Sending a follow-up "hello?" or getting salty about it will only confirm their decision. Move on, send a good message to the next person, and keep at it.
The reality is that dating is a numbers game. Send thoughtful messages to people you're genuinely interested in, and you'll get replies. Not from everyone — but from the right ones.
For more, read our dating safety guide before you meet up, and our casual dating etiquette guide for once things get going.